Kaleidoscope
by YanksLuver
Summary: Sydney reflects on her conflicted life in which she is constantly forced to change who she is.


Title: Kaleidoscope  
  
Author: Steph (ILUVNYYANK@aol.com)  
  
Category: Drama, Character reflection  
  
POV: Sydney  
  
Summary: Sydney reflects on her conflicted life in which she is constantly forced to change who she is.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Archive: Sure, just let me know where.  
  
Spoilers: Not really. A few small little general things.  
  
Disclaimer: Alias and its characters do not belong to me. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended.  
  
Note: This is just a short little thing I wrote a while ago and haven't posted until now. I'm going against my usual Syd/Vaughn fic. This isn't about them, although Sydney does think about him and their relationship a couple of times. Also, this is written a little different than most first person POV. You'll see what I mean. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what thought! ~Steph  
  
* * * Kaleidoscope 1/1 * * *  
  
~~  
  
Kaleidoscope- n. 2. anything that constantly changes.  
  
~~  
  
I am a kaleidoscope.  
  
I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.  
  
From one moment to the next, I am changing.  
  
~  
  
With my SD-6 colleagues, I am a smart, loyal 'patriot' for my country.  
  
With Sloane, I am a faithful employee, who harbors a thinly veiled contempt for him.  
  
With Dixon, I am a reliable, trustworthy partner.  
  
With my father, I am a cold, conflicted daughter.  
  
With Vaughn, I am an honest, vulnerable double agent.  
  
With Francie, I am a frenzied, yet somehow fairly dependable friend and roommate.  
  
With Will, I am an open, yet closed-off friend and unwilling object of affection.  
  
With my classmates and professors, I am an intelligent, yet harried graduate student with a banking job that often seems far more important.  
  
With the people I encounter on my missions, I am a smart, sexy, witty, savvy stranger who often rocks their world.  
  
~  
  
I am a kaleidoscope.  
  
I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.  
  
From one moment to the next, I am changing.  
  
~  
  
And I am so damn tired of it all.  
  
I am tired of every pretense.  
  
I am tired of the disguises, visible or not.  
  
I am tired of saying one thing and meaning another.  
  
I am tired of deceiving the people I love most in this world.  
  
I am tired of smiling when all I want to do is cry.  
  
I am tired of crying when all I want to do is smile.  
  
I am tired of meeting new people and knowing they will never know the true me.  
  
I am tired of smiling at Marshall and his newest invention, while wondering if he knows it will be used to harm the very country he vowed to protect.  
  
I am tired of pretending to respect Sloane, when I loathe him so much it hurts.  
  
I am tired of working with Dixon and working against him at every turn.  
  
I am tired of looking into my father's eyes and seeing a stranger; a man with a closet full of secrets that are just waiting to shatter my fragile world every time we meet.  
  
I am tired of meeting with Vaughn in secluded places and pretending we don't know each other...of wanting a man I can never have.  
  
I am tired of leaving Francie so abruptly and having to withhold information that best friends should share.  
  
I am tired of crushing Will's curiosity and protective nature with lies.  
  
I am tired of missing classes I enjoy and begging understanding professors to be even more understanding.  
  
I am tired of misleading every person I come in contact with.  
  
I am tired of the sexy outfits and uncomfortable wigs that change more often than the weather.  
  
I am tired of using my body as a weapon.  
  
I am tired of being so good at it that I could do it in my sleep.  
  
I am tired of never having a moment's peace.  
  
~  
  
I am a kaleidoscope.  
  
I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.  
  
From one moment to the next, I am changing.  
  
~  
  
I yearn to scream the truth at every one of my SD-6 colleagues.  
  
I yearn to rip Sloane to shreds with my bare hands.  
  
I yearn to enlighten Dixon and become his loyal partner once more.  
  
I yearn to eat dinner with my father and have a relaxed, comfortable conversation.  
  
I yearn to sit beside Vaughn at a King's game and take his hand in mine.  
  
I yearn to plan every last detail of Francie's wedding with her and to be able to spend a lazy night watching Tom Cruise movies anytime we want.  
  
I yearn to tell Will the truth and to somehow obliterate the tension between us.  
  
I yearn to never miss a class and to hand a paper in on time.  
  
I yearn to never look someone in the eye again and say a name that is not my own.  
  
I yearn to burn every skin-tight dress, stiletto heels and wig I've ever worn.  
  
I yearn to worship my body.  
  
I yearn to relax, whenever I want and for however long I choose.  
  
But I cannot because...  
  
I am a kaleidoscope.  
  
I am constantly changing, in a perpetual state of flux.  
  
From one moment to the next, I am changing.  
  
*****************************THE END********************************  
  
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought. ~Steph 


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